I’ve just invented a new way of cleaning, one which women will NEVER understand.

Basically, it’s whatever you want to do, household-cores related. The secret if to not finish anything – just do a lot of everything and see how your wife / partner looks on in total bafflement.

The thing is this – women ‘give’ us little jobs to do, well-knowing that we hate them and will get utterly bored within 10 seconds. Like, for example, folding clothes. They (women, that is) know we will do it quickly (read: badly) to get it over and done with.

And then, without prior warning, when we think we are safe watching TV or doing whatever, they will barge into the room and look at our handiwork, standing in a dictator-style stance, shaking their heads and pointing an accusing hand.

They will look down at us, berate us for not doing things ‘properly’ (very subjective what properly means, hence the quote marks) and proceed to un-fold and re-fold the clothes.

“Look at what he’s done,” they say in a patronising tone tantamount to that of Victor Meldrew (One Foot in the Grave). We are not mentioned by name, as though doing so may incur the wrath of the gods. “Creases, creases everywhere, and look at the blah blah blah blah blah. How is this possible?” (Editor’s note: I could not complete the quote as generally my mind switches off after two seconds in these cases).

And we sit there, impassive, looking on nervously as we are metaphorically beaten to the ground. It feel’s like the headmaster’s office bench all over again. The ends of our lips feel weighted down. Our ears would flop if we were rabbits.

The same applies for washing the floor (“No, not like that honey, your moves must flow better), cooking (“Do you really want to cut the onions so big?”), washing the dishes (No, don’t do it that way…”), mowing the lawn (“The lines aren’t straight, dear”), doing the beds (“Do tuck in the sheets properly, dear”) and everything else.

So instead, I’m reverting to random cleaning. Do a bit in the bedroom, and then strategically move to the bathroom. After some time, change a light bulb in the corridor before doing a spot of gardening and pruning. Follow this by paying some bills, checking Facebook (this is a decoy) and vacuuming the living room.

You need to be buys (or at least look busy) at all time or face being given a ‘job’.

When questioned as to what you are doing (and it will happen), you must admit to nothing. “Meeee? No honey, I’m just doing a bit of this and that, you know…”.

You see, women will not be able to understand it in the same way they do not understand football (and the offside rule!), tools, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, why men remember odd sports statistics but forget birthdays and anniversaries, and why we leave the toilet seat up.

Most things, admittedly, don’t add up, but that’s why we like it. And with random cleaning, we are still doing our part around the house (she’ll find it easier to clean stuff as it’s already been half done).

Now, I’m off to do half the dishes and wash clothes that have some form of stripes (forget colours, whites or darks – it’s stripes from now on!). Now that’ll freak her out! That, or the fact that we do actually know how to use a washing machine.